Now and Forever by Bernie Nolan

Author:Bernie Nolan
Language: eng
Format: mobi, azw3, epub, pdf
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, Personal Memoirs, Composers & Musicians
ISBN: 9781444776812
Publisher: Hachette UK
Published: 2013-05-09T07:00:00+00:00

10

A NEW LOOK

I never thought losing my hair would be a big deal for me, but it was.

I was in the shower one morning when I first noticed it was coming out. As I rinsed off the shampoo, a big clump of hair came away in my hand. ‘Fuck!’ I said, looking down at the blonde strands clinging to my wet fingers. It was a shocking moment, a wake-up call, a visual reminder that what was happening to me was real. ‘Christ, I’m going to have no hair. What the hell will that look like?’ I thought.

I got dressed hurriedly and went downstairs to the kitchen where Steve was cooking. ‘Look at this, Steve,’ I said, flicking my fingers through my hair and pulling it out with no effort at all.

‘Well, you knew that was going to happen,’ he said gently.

He was right, I was expecting it, but I still wasn’t really prepared for it. It’s very hard to accept if you’re a woman – your hair is part of who you are. Losing it strikes right at the heart of your femininity.

The drug that makes it fall out is Carboplatin, so for my first two chemo sessions I opted to wear a cold cap to try to prevent it. That adds half an hour to your treatment though, and you have to keep it on the entire time, which is a bore, and it doesn’t necessarily work. So after my second chemo session I thought, ‘Sod it! I can’t be bothered with this’, and decided not to wear it for future treatments.

I started to get little bald patches all over my head, which looked pitiful. It made me look like an ill person. It was actually quite shocking for other people to see and it was traumatic for me, too. Maureen saw me once without a wig or a bandana and she told me afterwards that it had really upset her.

I decided I’d had enough of walking around with bald patches, looking sick. I actually felt really annoyed about it. I wanted to be in charge of how I looked. I didn’t want cancer calling the shots. So one day, completely out of the blue, I said to Steve, ‘Let’s just shave it all off.’

I was doing some press at the time and I thought it might even help a few other women with cancer if they saw me bald. So I sat on the stool in the kitchen while Steve went to work with the clippers. We joked about it, which helped. ‘If you make me bleed I’ll kill ya!’ I warned him. ‘Don’t worry, I do this on my own head all the time,’ he said, laughing.

Afterwards he smoothed moisturiser over my head, so the skin was really soft. ‘You look great,’ he said, standing back to admire his work. ‘It really suits you. You’ve actually got a lovely shaped head!’

‘Give us the mirror then,’ I said, intrigued. When I looked at my reflection my initial reaction was, ‘Wow! Not bad at all.

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